When Self-Care Unravels ~ Is it Really Self-Sabotage?
As January draws to a close, many people find themselves quietly wondering why the changes they hoped to make around food haven’t stuck. What began with intention and hope may now feel tangled with frustration - meal plans abandoned, rules loosened or broken, familiar patterns returning despite best efforts.
For many, this brings a familiar undercurrent of self-criticism and the uncomfortable question, what am I doing wrong?
This experience is often labelled as self-sabotage. But what if that framing misses something important? What if what looks like sabotage could sometimes be a form of self-protection?
Self-sabotage or Self-protection?
In the context of eating and self-care, I have learned that what we often call “self-sabotage” is rarely about laziness or lack of willpower, or a part of us trying to undermine our own wellbeing.
In some cases, it is a protective response shaped by past experiences and driven by the nervous system’s deep priority for safety. Consider that all change - even that change we consciously want - brings a level of uncertainty. And for many nervous systems, uncertainty doesn’t feel neutral - it feels unsafe.
For people with a history of dieting, disordered eating or an eating disorder, attempts to change eating patterns can activate non-conscious alarm systems. The body remembers past control, deprivation, hunger or shame - even if the mind is trying to move forward.
The nervous system chooses safety over intention
We often talk about motivation as if it lives purely in the conscious mind. In reality, the nervous system plays a far bigger role. When I refer to the nervous system, I’m talking about the part of us that constantly scans for safety or threat and shapes how we think, feel and act, often outside of conscious awareness.
If a change around food threatens our sense of identity, predictability or emotional regulation, the nervous system may respond with avoidance, urges, shutdown or a strong pull back to old behaviours.
For example, some people start using the restriction of food as a way to feel safe. Because this action did help the person cope at one point, the nervous system learned it as a successful strategy, even if it no longer serves them now. For other people, food is a reliable source of comfort, regulation or grounding. Asking the body to let go of those strategies without offering alternatives could feel like asking it to step into danger.
Through this lens, returning to old patterns is about the system prioritising safety, rather than a lack of motivation or care.
Cognitive dissonance and internal conflict
Another overlooked reason that new self-care attempts can break down is internal conflict. Many people genuinely want to nourish themselves better, eat more regularly or move away from unhelpful or restrictive patterns with food - while simultaneously carrying long-standing beliefs such as:
I should be able to control myself
I don’t really deserve peace or ease
I’ll only be ok once I’ve fixed my body
Then, when they try to make shifts to move their behaviour in a more caring direction, it can clash with these beliefs. That mismatch creates cognitive dissonance - psychological discomfort that the brain is wired to resolve. Often, it resolves it by pulling us back into familiar patterns - simply because they are known and can feel safer, as well as more automatic, than the new.
When the change is simply too big, too vague or misaligned
For many people reading this who struggle with habit change but don’t identify with disordered eating, or who feel confident their capacity for change is relatively robust, it may be worth asking a different question: What if the change itself was misplaced?
Consider that diet culture, and wellness culture to some extent, encourage us to believe that: more food and fitness rules = better outcomes; discipline = health; control = self-care. This is problematic as our bodies are not machines, this doesn’t make life fun, and plans rarely last when they require constant vigilance or suppression of needs, as so many diets and regimes do.
When the person then “rebels” against a rigid plan, it could be their mind and body responding intelligently to something that was never going to work for them in the first place. In this case, the issue is less about self-sabotage - and more that the changes they had in mind were either too big, too vague, or more fundamentally - misaligned and misplaced.
So what COULD help YOU MOVE FORWARDS?
It is important to acknowledge that all change is likely to involve some level of discomfort. There is a lot of talk in wellness spaces about willingness to “sit with discomfort” - a hugely helpful life-skill that can definitely be learned with self-patience and self-compassion. And sometimes this approach is genuinely useful, particularly when it is supported and paced with care.
That said, not all discomfort is growth-oriented. And in some instances the concept may be oversimplified - for example, for someone with a history of disordered eating, pushing through could easily tip into overwhelm or relapse.
Instead, change needs to be approached at a supportive pace in order to build capacity. Supporting sustainable change, especially for those with a history of disordered eating, could start with these questions:
What might the behaviour I want to change be trying to protect me from?
Is the discomfort of change manageable, or is it flooding?
Do I have enough support right now?
What does my nervous system need to feel safer with change?
Is this goal aligned with self-care or with self-control?
Do I have the capacity for this right now?
What is one small, specific, meaningful and doable change that I can commit to right now?
Sometimes the most supportive first step might not be focusing on directly changing the behaviour - but in building some foundations around safety and nourishment that lie underneath it. If you have a history of disordered eating, moving more slowly and with support is not a setback, but is often what makes change safer and more sustainable in the long run.
MY CONCLUSIONS
If your attempts at self-care around food have unravelled this month, please know this doesn’t necessarily mean you lack commitment or discipline. Your pattern could be protective and the resistance you’re experiencing may be a signal, suggesting:
your nervous system needs more support
your body is asking for more care before correction
the change was too abrupt
the goal(s) you had in mind needs rethinking
Change that lasts is rarely forced. It tends to grow from self-understanding, safety and alignment rather than from fighting yourself into submission.
If patterns around food feel entrenched, distressing or hard to shift alone, seeking personalised support can give you the structure and compassionate guidance needed to move forward and create positive change at a pace that works for you.
Take a nourishing step forward today
Are worries about food, weight or overeating draining your time, energy and peace of mind? Are you struggling with low mood, persistent food cravings, poor gut health or digestive challenges?
Old mindsets and habits can be hard to shift on your own. If you are looking to find peace with food and your body, and eat with more confidence and ease, I can help you.
Please check out my private programmes here, or book an exploratory chat to find out more.
